| Finding my faith again |
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I am in my late forties, married with four wonderful children and a loving wife. In so many ways life has been good to  me. I was born in the 1960s into a Roman Catholic family of eight. We lived in Dublin, Ireland and like most of our neighbours at that time attended Mass regularly. The rules of the Church and what it preached could not be questioned. I felt good as a child being Roman Catholic as it appeared that God was going to save only Roman Catholics. In my teens, as the outside world entered my life, I gradually lapsed from attending Mass. I had a lot of deep questions concerning the authority and teachings of the Church and about God that were never answered and so I lapsed. I joined the Irish Police, An Garda Siochana, in my early 20s and over the following 20 years whatever belief I had eroded away from the experience of working close to the coalface of humanity. How could a God exist that allowed humanity to behave in such a bad way? My life changed when I got married and I became less self-centred. Then the children arrived and all was wonderful. Life was just great. I could shut work out when I went home. I so loved my wife (and still do) and our children that thoughts of the future pained me. Some day I knew I would lose one or all of the people that mattered most to me. Behind the beautiful smile they brought to my face was a sharp stab of pain that some day I or they would no longer be on this earth. I came to call this pain the bitter sweetness of life so that I could give it a name and deal with it every time it entered my head. I never thought of God. My wife is Presbyterian and so for want of something better to do I attended her church when she did. Looking back now I realise it felt good. I felt part of a community. My faith was not rekindled but yet there was something I liked about the church. The ministers and elders were very welcoming but I felt no need to participate further. That bitter sweetness was still a part of me. The Christianity Explored Course A new minister arrived about two years ago now. He invited me to take part in a Christianity Explored course with a number of other people. The questions of my youth resurfaced and I thought this would be an opportunity to knock holes in the course and tell the participants just what it is they should know about God. The minister and his wife attended on the first day. We talked in general and then the minister sat aside to let the rest of us discuss God and our belief in him. Well, I let fly and came up with a dozen reasons as to why there could not be a God. Others had their say and then we said a prayer and arranged to meet up a week later. Six weeks later, one night a week and we were done. Now something happened to me during those six weeks. I know of no words that can adequately describe the change I feel which has occurred in me. That bitter sweetness I talked about disappeared. A weight lifted from within me. I woke up one morning and said to my wife, ‘It’s all true. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. The Bible. All of it. IT’S ALL TRUE!’ With every fibre of my being I knew that God exists. I knew that Jesus, the Son of God came to earth to free mankind from sin. I knew that God works through the Holy Spirit. I know these things still and I profess a full belief in them. I know that God loves every one of us and that we must love him for he is our Almighty God and Saviour and we are mere sinful mortals. That course and the prayers of believers exploded my world into one of true belief. Having finished the course I started to seek out as much knowledge as I could about God. My prayer life ignited. I have undertaken a degree-level course in theology. I have started to share my experience with colleagues and friends. I placed a Bible in my workplace. I treat people differently. I have more respect and more time for everyone. I know now that God never gave up on me. He was and has always been there. It was I who wandered off. I am still a sinner but I know God saves sinners! I praise God for the people he has brought into my life. I no longer fear death because I know it is not the end. That bitter sweetness has been banished. Lastly I know I’m not perfect. I know I never will be perfect. I am not God. I am human. I am a sinner. God loves me! And Almighty God loves you too. Ask him to come into your life. By Paul Williams |
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