| When a friend lets you down |
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It’s great to have friends, whether we’re single or married. People we can laugh and cry with; people we know will be  there for us when we need them; people we trust and love. But what happens when that trust has been broken – when you feel a friend has let you down? Communication is the key If the friendship is one you value, then you’ll long to sort things out. You may feel so desperately hurt that you’re unwilling even to approach your friend – but communication is the key. Talk to your friend; tell her how you feel. You may find it’s all been a misunderstanding. It can be a time for explanations, apologies and reassurances, which will make your friendship even stronger. Or it might not be so simple. Your friend may confirm that he meant what he said – which will hurt you even more. Do remember it could be that he, too, has felt hurt by something you did. This is a time for calm discussion, rather than arguing and trying to get the last word. Focus on putting things right, not letting it turn into an argument. If you both feel you can’t resolve it while you’re still hurt and angry, then you might agree you need some space. Take time out, then get together again at a later date to try to resolve things. But don’t let things fester. In our friendships, as in all our relationships, remember the importance of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t easy. It doesn’t deny the fact that you’ve been hurt, but it does enable you to let go and put it behind you. Bringing baggage When you’ve been hurt, it’s worth asking yourself whether you’ve really been let down, or if it’s just the way it seems. We bring our own ‘baggage’ to all our relationships. Perhaps you’ve been let down in the past and have come to expect rejection; or you may know you’re a person who’s quick to believe that someone is criticising you. It might also be that your friend has let you down because she feels you let her down first. Ask yourself whether there’s anything you have done to offend her. We all let each other down from time to time. If this is the case, try to forgive yourself, just as you would forgive your friend. And wherever the fault lies, try to learn from it. It isn’t a wasted experience. There are times, too, when your hurt might simply be caused by the fact that your friend is a totally different person from you. If, for example, he forgets to phone or is consistently late, then while it might hurt you, he’s probably not doing it intentionally. It’s annoying, but if it’s the way he is as a person, you need to accept him and alter your view. Handling rejection Sometimes things can’t be made right. If your friendship was always one way – if she was uncaring or consistently caused you pain, it could be best for both of you to let go of the relationship and move on. But try to do it amicably. And quite often, in a situation like this, you will just drift apart gradually. If it was a loved and trusted friend who has seriously let you down, and there seems no way of putting it right, how do you handle rejection? Don’t let it colour your view of yourself. Remind yourself that you have other friends who value you, and work on those friendships. Try not to gossip about this ‘awful’ friend; instead, carefully choose one other valued friend who will listen in confidence while you pour out your feelings of hurt. Then choose to forgive, because bitterness can do no good to you or to those near you. Put it behind you and move on.  On most occasions, the difficulties can be resolved. Your friendship might be different – but you’ll still be friends, and will be wiser than before. Acknowledge your hurt, but agree not to hold it against each other. Focus on forgiveness, on seeing the best in each other, and on working at your friendship. Care for the Family is a national charity which aims to promote strong family life and to help those hurting because of family breakdown. For more information visit www.careforthefamily.org.uk |
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